mornings with grace

dear grace,

It's hard to believe it's been an entire year since I've run my fingertips over the lines of your sweet face, pressed your spotted pink nose to mine, or witnessed your goofy little grin when we walked through the door.  I remember wishing often that our time together on this earth would never end…  During one such moment, your Auntie explained it to me- why this couldn't be.  She said she came across something a little boy once said:

“People are born so that they learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The four year old continued, “Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

These words have stayed with me… from then, until now.  Thinking back, I remember how the skies seemed to transform on the eve of the last day we shared together.  From the bleak, cold greys of winter, to beautiful sun-filled days that yearned to warm my soul…  Of course, this year was no different.  -On this morning, the 13th of January, exactly one year later, I arose from my bed just as the sun's light began to peak over the horizon.  I tip-toed through our kitchen and cracked open the back door.  The dawn's crisp air greeted me as I took a step out onto the porch.  The clouds were like rolling waves, saying their hellos, the countless colors of your spirit washing over me…  And as I stood with my bare feet pressed to the cold concrete, my face continued to linger on the heavens.  I closed my eyes and inhaled the richness of the quiet surrounding me.  Then my lips parted with a wisp of fog that accompanies warm breath on a cold day, and what followed was the whisper of your eternal name… 

adopting chicken little

dear grace,

Did you know, you're going to be a big sister?  She was pretty shy and nervous when we welcomed her into our home… but I just know you've been showing her the ropes.  I'm sure you're aware that she is super respectful of your bed… try not to growl at her too much, okay?  She just really wants to be a good little sister.  She didn't stand a chance of having just one name, of course.  "Chicken Little" is the obvious fallback, but she's really coming out of her shell.  Beeper came next, (it's the sound we never stop hearing…) as she runs throughout the house sharing all your squeaky little toys.  (I mean… they. are. everywhere.)  And of course there's Motorbutt… for obvious reasons.  But mostly we call her Penny.  Penny Jane (and Penny Jones, because we can't have a Gracie Jones and not a Penny Jones… hahah).  Which leads to PJ for short.  Yes.  Lots of cute little nicknames, as you are more than familiar with…  And I'm sure you've witnessed her shiny penny syndrome, yes?  Oh hi, please rub my belly… squirrel!!!!!  But we also know you have been looking out for us, so when I found this poem, it really just confirmed that we'd been right in calling her Penny all along… 

"I found a penny today just laying on the ground.  But it's not just a penny, this little coin I've found.  'Found' pennies come from Heaven, that's what my Grandpa told me.  He said angels toss them down.  Oh, how I loved that story.  He said when an angel misses you, they toss a penny down.  Sometimes just to cheer you up, make a smile out of your frown.  So don't pass by that penny when you're feeling blue.  It may be a penny from Heaven that an angel tossed to you."  -C. Mashburn

Watching us cry must have broke your heart…  And then you saw this sweet Penny and somehow made sure she would find her way to us.  She looks a lot like you, which was really hard at first, but it only makes sense… you are sisters after all.  She never has all her feet on the ground at the same time… and I know that's just because sometimes she wants to visit with her big sister in the sky…  Not a day goes by that we don't think about you…  We just miss you to pieces, sweet girl.  We didn't think it would be possible to smile again, but it's evident you are still doing your best to make that happen.  Of course, we should have known.  -Well we finally made it official & our adoption is complete.  But can you do us a favor?  Keep an eye out for your little sister.  She's a good girl, but sometimes the naughty sneaks out…  Of course I'm guessing you have no idea what that's like, do you?  Wink wink.

-loving you always…

mommie, daddy, & penny

throw kindness around like confetti...

The last five months seem to have vanished into thin air all of a sudden.  Even after I thought the first two would never end… A time when the pieces of my broken world lay all around me, and there were days when I would just find myself wanting the earth to swallow me up whole.  I just couldn't imagine my life, without my Gracie girl in it.  I still have bad days, when -as a sweet friend would say- I just ugly cry.  But I'm finding there are still lots of big hearts, warm hugs, and kind words that somehow manage to encourage me along…  Thank you to so many for reaching out.  Kindness is truly contagious.  So the next person you see…  Look at them and smile.  Wave hello.  Their world may be falling apart & they may feel completely lost… and honestly who knows?  You may just be the unexpected little boost they need in their life.

week 4

one good deed a day

an ongoing journal of a few good deeds throughout this year

22. jan 22. be quick to apologize » What to say other than I feel like every time we eat out lately, we seem to get service that could definitely be improved upon…  I know that all my nerves are completely frazzled right now, but tonight when my order was wrong, I felt like I'd had enough.  So I popped out of the booth & told the manager, not to remake my food, I didn't feel like waiting.  She said it was a super easy fix that would only take a few minutes, and she would bring it to me anyways.  She was really nice & I had to admit… we'd had a terrible week.  I accepted her sincerity and quickly said I was sorry.
23. jan 23. return all of the items you take into the dressing room to their original spots instead of leaving them in the dressing room » I used to do this all the time.  (I know. I worked retail.)  But lately I've noticed I seem to be in a rush or maybe I'm being just a bit more lazy in general… either way, this was a good reminder for today.
24. jan 24. visit an animal shelter sanctuary » Ugh this one made me cry.  I didn't want my Beans food to go to waste though, especially when I know there are so many babies out there that still need to eat.  But man oh man… giving away her food and a few of her treats was just so hard.
25. jan 25. play hooky » I'm feeling pretty slacktastic lately, and have honestly been wanting to actually play hooky from my good deeds project in general… so I'm going to act like this one counts as my good deed for today (it was in the book, after all).
26. jan 26. hand-deliver send a handwritten thank-you note » Saying thank-you with a card & a gift & flowers & food will never be enough.  Although our vet claims there is no need to keep thanking her… I disagree.  I'm sure she thinks she was just doing her job, but I KNOW it was so much more than that.  Well in advance, she helped me have a plan, prepare, and introduced me to wonderful people that would help us make sure Grace was well taken care of… (and it helped, because let's be honest, I was in complete denial that Grace would ever have to leave our world, even though we constantly joked about having her freeze-dried & stuffed, haha NO I'm not kidding).  She gave me her personal number.  She came to our house.  She hugged us & told us we were doing the right thing (even though we never actually spoke the question aloud).  She whispered sweet things to our girl.  She treated Grace & us… like family.  I couldn't have hoped for a better person to come into our lives.  The world needs more people like her.
27. jan 27. say I love you to someone you haven't said it to in a while » In all the times my hubby's job has taken him away from us… I always had Grace by my side.  And I always knew if something happened when it was just the two of us, it would have made a terrible situation that much worse.  Even though I had zero doubt I would make the right decision for my girl (whether her dad was away or not), we were incredibly lucky to have him home with us.  It has meant the world knowing I don't have to go through this alone.  My husband has been wonderful to me, even as he is grieving.  And I don't tell him often enough-- just how very grateful I am, to have him by my side now and always.
28. jan 28. brew the next pot of coffee » and share a cup & a moment with someone special.

from the archives… it was always a happy day welcoming daddy home

week 3

one good deed a day

an ongoing journal of a few good deeds throughout this year

15. jan 15. take a walk, looking as far into the distance as possible » This was our first walk without our sweet Grace…  Really just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other right now.  Remembering the way she would run ahead, but always look back, as if asking… mom, are you coming?  I miss her sweet goofy face so much.
16. jan 16. offer a kleenex to a person in need » We decided to try and visit the local theatre as a little distraction, try to clear our heads a bit of this horrible week.  I brought an entire box of kleenex with me, just knowing I would go through them… And instead ended up offering it to the woman next to me.  (Although this example was not written in my book's pages, I found it to be the perfect good deed for today.  I added to the blank pages at the end entitled- what else can you do?)
17. jan 17. talk about what you're grateful for » This was so hard, yet so important.  As we are trying to find ways to cope with our loss, we are really striving to focus on all the good & wonderful things we have shared with each other and with Grace throughout our lives.
18. jan 18. choose the longer walk home » On all our daily walks, I would always let Grace choose which path to take… somedays it would be the shorter route and on others she would surprise me by picking the longer route.  But those routes were still just a bit shorter than the one we used to take… She hadn't been able to take it in a while because the distance proved to be just a little too much for her tired legs.  So today my hubby & I chose this one once more… And we talked & we smiled while thinking of her.
19. jan 19. make up your own family holiday to celebrate » There are two girls in our neighborhood that met & visited with Grace over the summer last year. They would ring our doorbell just to pet her & love on her… And I just knew the day would come when they would come knocking again… And I dreaded it. Just the thought & telling their innocent smiling faces, made my stomach turn. I assumed we would have plenty of time, it's winter after all… But you see… It has been the most beautiful day. 72 degrees… sunshine, and only the slightest breeze on your face. And guess what, our doorbell just rang. "Is Gracie taking her nap?" "No honey, she is in Heaven now… But she loved you guys coming by to visit her." So hard. We had a moment & said okay, and she left. And only a few short minutes later my doorbell rang again. She was back with her siblings… And they asked us… "Since she's gone already, would it be okay if we have a birthday party for her every year to celebrate her life?" My heart is so full.
20. jan 20. take a long bath » I may be the only woman on earth that doesn't do this… pretty much ever.  I always choose the practicality of the shower instead.  Today however, this proved to be exactly what I needed.
21. jan 21.  offer your respects, always » I need to remember I'm not the only one hurting & that all the support we have received should be shared in the hopes of comforting other friends experiencing the same hurt and loss.

I never meant for my good deeds to feel sad, or be about myself… however these were all in the book.  I've always believed- we can't choose what will happen to us, or when it may happen, but we can choose how we react to it.  Right now my heart needs time… it continues to ache for my sweet Gracie girl, & I know it may need a lifetime to heal.  It's been comforting to know that as I am going through this project, I am realizing good deeds for yourself are just as important as those that you choose to do for others.  --  Recently, we have been blessed with beautiful days, completely uncharacteristic for January, including record high temperatures in the 70s & 80s.  This was our first sunrise without her (after weeks & weeks of grey).  Lately, I find myself strolling our usual routes & I can't help but look to the sky, seeking the sun's warmth… and it brings me such joy to picture my pretty girl's smiling face.  

week 2

one good deed a day

an ongoing journal of a few good deeds throughout this year

8. jan 8. leave your mail carrier a thank-you note » something as simple as, we just wanted to let you know how much we appreciate you delivering our mail everyday… a very heartfelt thank you for all that you do & to the others that help share in the responsibilities as well! -Nelou + Brad
9. jan 9. floss » because it's important to do small good deeds for yourself too…
10. jan 10. figure out how to print double-sided » another good tip is to reuse your scrap paper, especially if you have one of those printers that likes to recalibrate the ink cartridges… no need to waste a perfectly clean sheet of paper!
11. jan 11. bring your own bags to the store » a few grocery stops today, since tomorrow we are starting a kind of cleanse called the WHOLE30, a diet of unprocessed foods… (no bread & cheese may make for a little whining, let's just be honest)
12. jan 12. say hello to strangers, especially to the elderly » and especially when they are toughing it out at the gym!!  You GO!
13. jan 13. listen to your heart » even if it means breaking it…
14. jan 14. take a deep breath. now take two more. repeat » remember, this is enough.

The past few days have been the hardest… Our Gracie girl has been with us nearly half our lives on this earth… She has filled every moment of our lives with goodness & joy, love & understanding.  Everything around us & every part of our being contains a piece of her…  

On Tuesday, January 13th, we opened our hearts up just a little bit more.  Daddy brought you breakfast in bed, and we sat in our little circle of three, our sweet family… enjoying the life we've made together, realizing it was long & completely full.  As the day went on, we snuggled, shared stories… enjoyed plenty of cookies & sweet potatoes & lots of turkey.  We spent a few moments outside, looking towards the sunshine, just letting it warm our faces as the cool breeze gave us a soft embrace.  We said I love you… over & over & over again.  We laughed & cried and hugged each other, and we watched you fall asleep.  And we stroked your fur and said everything's gonna be alright, that you were the best of us, and that now, sweet baby… you are free.  Daddy carried you, mommie right beside him… and we cried a little more.  And as we laid you to rest sweet girl, we saw the most beautiful sunset.  And we knew with all our hearts… you were now smiling down from above.

Gracie Zikas » July 12, 2000 to January 13, 2015

dear grace,

Oh our sweet sweet girl.  Well okay, maybe one of those sweets should read stubborn… after all, we remember the day we picked you out of a bunch of furry little weimballs.  You were the one that ran away… went to hide under a car…  And we said yep, that's the one!  We held you in our arms for the first time & your pretty blue eyes gave us a hesitant glance.  And we gave you a good squeeze and named you Gracie.  On the long drive home, you snuggled in, deciding to trust just a little bit more…  Those puppy days were such fun, watching you play in a bowl of water… You would just bounce around the house looking like Dumbo with your huge paws and your flying ears.  You gave us your whole heart and we gave you ours.  The nights proved a little harder when your cries to be with us broke through the darkness, and we'd turn to each other saying… it's your turn.  But eventually you tugged just hard enough at our heartstrings, and our attempt at not in the bed with us, pretty much went out the window.  And weren't you excited!?  In the bed with mom & dad, yippee!!  Of course you took it a step further and went for sleeping on our pillows (and occasionally on our heads).  Oh but we were smitten!  Over the years, the queen size bed got upgraded to a king.  And even though you were strong and still jumping everywhere, eventually we eliminated those boxsprings, and brought that mattress closer to the floor… all so you could- Be. with. us. -make things a little easier… because we sure did enjoy a little cuddle time (and maybe the occasional kick in the ribs).  You may not even know it, but you gave your daddy a jump start on learning how to lay tile, you little linoleum eater!!  We shared birthdays & holidays & everydays… We lit off fireworks every year, and you were never scared… it was always enough for you, just to have us by your side.  We got dressed up for halloween and went trick-or-treating with your cousins, wasn't that such fun (especially when you got to eat the cookies later, right!? wink wink).  We took in the colorful turning leaves each autumn, listening to the crunch they made beneath our feet… during long walks through neighborhoods or forests or just anywhere we could wander together…  We even visited Santa Claus & experienced the merriment of thousands of little twinkle lights…  We loved watching you grow and having you near us.  Your separation anxiety turned into our separation anxiety.  Because you see… you didn't just need us, we needed you.  You were always there… through every deployment and TDY, missing daddy, but loving on mommie.  And then we got to see your big goofy grin every time daddy returned home.  You would run and jump and make all these cute funny noises… I don't think I've ever seen you smile so big.  So when his job moved us to Germany, we packed it all up.  And we got through all the time away from family and even more time away from daddy.  You became mommie's constant companion and best friend.  Someone to explore new places with everyday…  A space heater during the cold and lonely days & nights…  Your ears were always open when a happy chat was needed, and you could always be counted on to press your big nose to our faces or put a paw in our lap anytime we needed comfort.  You. just. knew.  You may have been 8, but middle age be damned… because you got to enjoy schnitzel & bratwurst and a French baguette or two.  Got to go on your first ride in a little red convertible…  I mean, we traveled… and you got to see the world!  From wandering those quaint little German villages, to stepping your paws in the sand for the first time in the Netherlands… you absolutely loved it and we loved watching you!  Riding through the snowy Swiss Alps, your nose taking in the scent of the crisp wintery air, your ears flapping freely in the wind.  Gosh you looooooved your car rides…  Exploring Italy only to return to our villa and soak up the rays by our private pool in the Tuscan countryside…  You did it all.  You were there.  Sharing in the joy and the wonder of it all…  Our little bean.  You have about a thousand little nicknames… even the silly ones, you acknowledged them all, you always came running with your sweet little face.  You have shared our life completely, from our wedding, to moving across the ocean and back.  And even as we went through the heartbreak of realizing we would have no children of our own… you just laid your little head in our lap, and somehow we knew it would all work out and everything would be alright.  Because you were ours… You filled our life and the lives of so many others with such joy.  You gave our lives meaning, taught us how to love each other and ourselves, and you filled us with up with- So. Much. Goodness…  So you see now, don't you?  Our sweet Gracie girl… there has never been anyone loved as much as we love you.  So sleep easy now baby.  You did good.

And until we meet again, we'll be seeing you in our dreams.

-with all our heart… mommie & daddy

lest we forget...

although they have fallen… we will forever stand united. 

above photo credits :: John Botte

photo credit :: Guinara Samoilova

photo credit :: Henri Sillberman

photo credit :: Joel Zimmer